Rebuilding a Healthy Identity

SUMMARY

It is not what happens to you in life that matters, it is what you make it mean, and most importantly, it is what you make it mean about yourself.

The experiences that you have been through have conditioned you to think about yourself in a certain way. Unfortunately, you spend a lot of time wanting other people to accept you, yet you have not accepted yourself.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to start a conversation around the foundation of everything you do, and that is your identity.

Every single person on the planet has an opinion about themselves. Your identity is not what you do. Your identity is who you believe you are and who you believe you are not. Every decision that you make is filtered through that belief.

But what most of you do is not only form that opinion yourself, you allow other people’s opinion, what they say to you, how they act with you, to determine that identity.

The reason that happens is that every single person on the planet operates out of three universal fears, the fear of not belonging, the fear of not being enough, and the fear of not being liked or loved.

When any of those fears manifest in a certain way, it changes what you think and therefore what you do.

The second challenge that you have on top of those fears, are your limiting beliefs. They form a very unhealthy, sometimes permanent, part of your identity.

If you are performing to get approval, to make sure that you are not rejected, that you are good enough, that you do belong, then the behaviour comes out of an unhealthy psychology.

It starts with you thinking thoughts that come from your small voice — the one that has been conditioned based on your own experiences and the meanings that you have put on those experiences. That is where you can decide what the other person is thinking for them. They do not even have to do it themselves.

Building your identity is all about shifting those limiting beliefs. To do that, you need to look through a different lens.

So, what is it that you believe about yourself that may not be true? Who do you believe you are, and who do you believe you are not?

I look forward to you joining the conversation this month and looking for opportunities to shift those beliefs, to see yourself in a different light. Then you will be able to move forward into the fullness of who you are. Your results will also change.

As we finish off today, I want to tell you I have just finished my first book. It is called Professional Services Leadership.

 The whole first section of this book is about building your identity. It is about shifting from being conflicted to being congruent with who you truly are. It is about eradicating this performance trap and these unhealthy beliefs, and shifting the meaning that you have put on the events in your life to one that is positive, so that you can move forward well.

That is it from me for this video.

What I am going to do during this week and in the following weeks is drop some short videos that will give you some quick and actionable steps that you can take to rebuild your identity.

I will see you then.

TRANSCRIPT

It is not what happens to you in life that matters, it is what you make it mean, and most importantly, it is what you make it mean about yourself.

The experiences that you have been through have conditioned you to think about yourself in a certain way. Unfortunately, you spend a lot of time wanting other people to accept you, yet you have not accepted yourself.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today I want to start a conversation around the foundation of everything you do, and that is your identity.

Every single person on the planet has an opinion about themselves. Your identity is not what you do. Your identity is who you believe you are and who you believe you are not. Every decision that you make is filtered through that belief. Whether or not you put your hand up for an opportunity, whether or not you go through doing things confidently or second-guess yourself through doubt, that is all dependent on who you think you are.

But what most of you do is not only form that opinion yourself, you allow other people’s opinion, what they say to you, how they act with you, to determine that identity.

The reason that happens is that every single person on the planet operates out of three universal fears, the fear of not belonging, the fear of not being enough, and the fear of not being liked or loved.

When any of those fears manifest in a certain way, it changes what you think and therefore what you do.

If you do not feel like you belong, that can lead to feelings of rejection. If you do not feel that you are enough, that can create behaviour where you are constantly trying to be good enough for everybody. And if you do not feel loved, then you find it challenging to give love and to accept it when you are actually getting it.

When I was 15, I found out about something that happened when I was a small baby of six months old. My mum took me and she put me on a doorstep and abandoned me, and then she went home.

When I found out about that at 15, I had a pity party for about 30 years. It had a major effect on my identity — who I believed that I was.

I thought, “If my mother did not love me enough to keep me, then perhaps I am not lovable.” That became a self-fulfilling prophecy. In my quest to not be rejected, I pushed people away by my behaviour.

The second challenge that you have on top of those fears, are your limiting beliefs. They form a very unhealthy, sometimes permanent, part of your identity.

And then you have the performance trap. You seek to get other people to see that you do belong, that you are good enough, and you want them to like you and love you. So, you perform in a certain way so that you get that from them.

Unfortunately, the way that you do it is counterintuitive. Instead of giving you what you want, it pulls it away even further.

The performance trap is where you perform. We all do that. I am doing it right now in front of a camera. You perform, and that is okay. Every single day, you go to work in your career, and you perform.

But the problem comes in with the motive for which you perform. If that motive is to mitigate or eliminate one of those three universal fears, that is where the problems start.

If you are performing to get approval, to make sure that you are not rejected, that you are good enough, that you do belong, then the behaviour comes out of an unhealthy psychology.

It starts with you thinking thoughts that come from your small voice — the one that has been conditioned based on your own experiences and the meanings that you have put on those experiences. That is where you can decide what the other person is thinking for them. They do not even have to do it themselves.

Building your identity is all about shifting those limiting beliefs. To do that, you need to look through a different lens.

What I am going to do this month is devote the entire month to helping you rebuild your identity.

You see, what I found out when I was in the right frame of mind to actually listen is that my mum actually loved me so much that she was willing to give me up to someone else so that I would have a life that she did not feel she could give me. She had postnatal depression and was very unwell. In her mental health state at that time, the decision she made was out of love.

The funny thing is, I actually knew that in the whole story when I first heard it, but I did not pick up on it. The reason I did not is that the other belief, that she did not love me and therefore I was unlovable, actually lined up with what was already going on in my mind.

I already thought I was not good enough and I was not worthy. So, it was music to my ears to find out that that was the reason I was the way I was.

But shifting that belief and realising that I was lovable, I then started to look for evidence for that rather than the negative evidence that I thought I had.

I said, “Objection. Facts not in evidence.” Every time the thoughts come up, I am able to give the real evidence of the fact that I am good at what I do. I am a nice person. I work with people and help them all the time. I do it for them, not for me to get that approval.

So, rebuilding your identity is something that you must do. Your identity is something that you never delegate to someone else.

People can have an opinion about you, and that is okay. They are entitled to it. But the opinion that matters the most is your own.

How you feel about yourself will determine how you think others feel about you. It will determine the thoughts that you have that lead to your behaviour. That behaviour will determine your results.

So, what is it that you believe about yourself that may not be true? Who do you believe you are, and who do you believe you are not?

I look forward to you joining the conversation this month and looking for opportunities to shift those beliefs, to see yourself in a different light. Then you will be able to move forward into the fullness of who you are. Your results will also change.

As we finish off today, I want to tell you I have just finished my first book. It is called Professional Services Leadership.

The whole first section of this book is about building your identity. It is about shifting from being conflicted to being congruent with who you truly are. It is about eradicating this performance trap and these unhealthy beliefs, and shifting the meaning that you have put on the events in your life to one that is positive, so that you can move forward well.

That is it from me for this video.

What I am going to do during this week and in the following weeks is drop some short videos that will give you some quick and actionable steps that you can take to rebuild your identity.

I will see you then.