A Proven Conflict Resolution Process

SUMMARY

Do you have difficulty managing situations where there is a lot of conflict, or are you a conflict management master?

Well, either way, stick with me because, in this week's episode, I'm going to show you how you and anybody else can resolve conflicts effectively.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the Year, and Master Coach Trainer, and today I want to continue our conversation around communication and conflict in our relationship management quadrant by teaching you a proven conflict resolution process.

Having a system that you can go through will help you remain more emotionally and socially intelligent so that you've got a better chance of getting the resolution, which is that “triple win” we talked about.

That resolution is good for you, the other person, and the greater good.

Number one is to set the scene.

Number two is to gather information.

Number three is to agree on the issue.

Number four is to brainstorm possible solutions.

Number five is to negotiate the solution.

So that is the five-step process on how you can lead and resolve a conflict situation.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week when we continue this conversation around conflict resolution by learning how to move forward after conflict.

I'll see you then.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you have difficulty managing situations where there is a lot of conflict, or are you a conflict management master?

Well, either way, stick with me because, in this week's episode, I'm going to show you how you and anybody else can resolve conflicts effectively.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of the Year, and Master Coach Trainer, and today I want to continue our conversation around communication and conflict in our relationship management quadrant by teaching you a proven conflict resolution process.

Over the past few weeks, you’ve looked at what conflict is and why it exists. You’ve learned that conflict is inevitable – it will always be there.

I talked to you about the fact that relationships are most important, and to protect your relationships you need to focus on the issue rather than the person.

Last week, we looked at the five different conflict resolution styles that you could use. We also talked about when it was best to use the individual or combination.

So this week, I want to add another layer to this, and give you a step-by-step, fill-in-the-blanks template / procedure for you to work in any conflict resolution situation and lead it to an effective outcome.

I don't know about you, but I find it so much easier when someone gives me a template—a system to follow. The good thing about a system or a process is that it needs logic to move forward. By having a check and balance situation system that you can use, you are employing the logical brain.

Now we don't want to go too deep into the neuroscience behind it, and whenever I speak about these things, I'm not speaking as a neuroscientist. You and I know that the brain works in different situations, and many parts of the brain get involved. I want you to keep it up at the concept level and think let's keep it logical. Having a system that you can go through will help you remain more emotionally and socially intelligent so that you've got a better chance of getting the resolution, which is that “triple win” we talked about.

That resolution is good for you, the other person, and the greater good.

So let's unpack this five-step process.

Number one is to set the scene.

In any situation where people are coming together, it's great to have an agenda and understand what it is that you are going to be working on together. The keyword there is TOGETHER.

However, what I want to do here is help you to lead the process. By setting the scene, what you’re doing is you’re talking about what you’re going to do, how you’re going to move forward, and you're going to set some guidelines for the acceptable behaviour as you work through and get a resolution. It's also an amazing opportunity to set these guidelines to get the first level of agreement.

So, the whole purpose of conflict resolution and negotiating a positive outcome is getting each other to agree on little things along the way. Therefore, what I would do is I'd say:

“Okay, so here's what I'd like to put forward as a way that we can work through this situation.”

Then, lay out some guidelines.

And I would always go:

" I'm going to keep my emotions and agenda out of this conversation as much as possible. So if you feel at any time that I'm not doing that, I'd love you to let me know. Then, that reminder will bring me back on track. Is that okay?”

Now the person that you're working with would go:

“That's okay.”

And most probably, they would be thinking of doing that as well.

Normally, what I've found is they would offer that. But if they didn't, I would then simply say:
“Is it okay if I do the same with you?”

So, the first thing is to set the scene.

“This is what we're doing, and this is the purpose of us getting together."

So your purpose is to resolve conflict and find the next step that you can work on together so that you can actually have a peaceful resolution. So you’ve got an agreement and an agenda.

Number two is to gather information.

Once again, gathering information is a logical process. So the purpose of moving forward in this conflict resolution is to get the facts. By getting the facts, you leave your feelings and opinions out of it. What you’re doing is just asking a series of questions of each other to work out exactly what the issue is.

I’ve talked about this many times before, where there is often a misunderstanding -- one person thinks that someone's saying something that they're not saying. In fact, what I've found on many occasions in this actual second step, is that both parties were actually saying the same thing, just in a different way.

So, by gathering information and using the logical processes in our brain, you are getting the facts.

However, even when you go through this process, there will be perceptions.

For instance, you might perceive these facts, and the person (people) you're working with might have a totally different perception. And that's part of the gathering information process as well.

So, you're gathering information that you’ve got points of disagreement.

Now, this is where Emotional Intelligence really comes in.

So, when somebody gives you their information, you’ve got two options:

1. You take it on and write it down.

2. You push back and disagree.

Now the latter is where most negotiations and conflict resolution situations fall apart.

It's just like getting feedback: you ask for feedback, and when you get one, you feel like it was a personal attack on you, and you reject it. When you do that, the whole feedback process falls apart.

It's exactly the same here with conflict resolution.

So, number two is to gather information.

Number three is to agree on the issue.

Now that you’ve gathered this information, you’ve done it in an emotionally intelligent manner -- you've had a conversation that's mutually beneficial where there's no one on top and everyone's equal, you can now (in getting all that information together) find a point of agreement.

What you’re doing is you’re looking for opportunities along the way to have agreements. So the more people agree on things, even if they agree on a problem, the closer the collaboration comes. Therefore, the barriers come down. The communication is totally different, and it makes it a lot easier to work together and get a resolution to the problem.

So, when you are gathering information, you are also looking for the actual problem and issue.

Personally, what I usually do is ask rather than tell.

So, I might say:

“Okay, that's great. We've got a lot of information there. Can I ask you, what do you perceive is the number one issue that we need to work on?”

So once again, I'm still in gathering information mode.

I'm not looking for something to rebut or disagree with. Because when you do that, you're going into another conflict situation.

Then when I get an answer from them, I will say:

“Okay. So you think it's this? That's fantastic. Have you also thought about this?”

What I'm doing there is instead of pushing my opinion, I'm having an opportunity conversation for them to look through my lens and consider my opinion on what the issue really is.

So depending on what it is (I know we're talking in context here because different scenarios will change), this is where we could decide what’s the biggest problem.

Let's start on that.

So, getting an agreement on the issue is an extremely important step before solving anything.

Number four is to brainstorm possible solutions.

So, now you’re building up more trust and a relationship of collaboration.

You’ve got some agreements.

After finding out what the issues are and what you and the other person could do, brainstorm what you both can possibly do about them.

So why possibly?

This is because what you are doing here is you are getting agreements along the way. Just because you both have agreed on an issue, it doesn’t mean you both have agreed on the best way to tackle it.

By asking questions and working out together on how to resolve an issue, you both can find different ways to tackle it.

Brainstorming is a collaborative process. Working together is the key element here. So, you’re already starting to solve the problem because you both are building the relationship.

Number five is to negotiate the solution.

Now that you’ve brainstormed some possible things that you could do and you're in a not highly emotionally charged situation (both parties are collaborating) what you can then do is agree on what the solution is. This may not be the best solution but what you want to do is to start moving forward.

You want that agreement to say:

“Let's start on something.”

This is where as a leader, I've had to learn that sometimes just because I think my way is the best, It doesn't mean I need to do it that way.

If I see that their way is actually going to achieve moving forward, then I will (a lot of times) say: “Hey, that's a great idea.”

The reason I say this is that if the people you're working with are the drivers of what you’re going to do moving forward, then there's more opportunity that they will actually do what they say they're going to do.

Let's face it, we're humans, and we all want our way. We all have our agendas. We've talked about that in previous weeks about why conflict is even there.

There you have a five-step process. Now that you’ve got a solution and something that you’re going to work on together, it's a matter then of putting that in a framework, reverse engineering it, and then think about the first thing you need to do.

So you got your goal that you both want to achieve. Then you go: "How are we going to do that?" And you map it out and work on it – who will do what.

Then ask the following questions:

1. How do you know when you’ve got there?

2. What are the milestones along the way that you’re going to set, and the check-ins, etcetera.?

So what you’ve done here is put together a plan moving forward on how you are going to collaborate and come up with a solution to the problem you both are facing.

Whenever you work together to resolve a conflict with egos and agendas aside, you have a much better possibility that there will be a resolution.

Now, I don't live in a land where everything is positive. I know from experience that even having this structure, you can go off the rails.

But the key to this is whenever it starts to break down, what you can do is come back to the process (not the person) and check where you have gone off track.

So that is the five-step process on how you can lead and resolve a conflict situation.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week when we continue this conversation around conflict resolution by learning how to move forward after conflict.

I'll see you then.