Developing Your Social Resilience

SUMMARY

Do you find that the people around you test your resilience? People can be amazing, yet sometimes they can be a little stressful, depending on how you interact with them. So, stick with me, because this week I want to finish our conversation on resilience by helping you approach things differently. 

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, leadership and sustainable performance coach, and today I want to continue our conversation on resilience where we look at how you can go from feeling constantly stressed to becoming strong in a healthy way, by developing your social resilience. 

What is social resilience?  

It’s your capacity not only to foster and engage in positive relationships, but also to sustain them, to endure, and to recover from life’s stresses, including social isolation. 

I know that, for a long time in my life, I isolated myself from others. I thought it was the only way to handle things. If I was alone, I wouldn't have to pretend or do things for others' approval. These were unhealthy parts of my internal wiring, but in reality, isolation only made things worse. I believe—no, I know—that my emotional breakdown was caused by social isolation. 

So, what I want to help you with today is learning how to be more socially resilient.  

The first part of that is fostering positive relationships.  

The second key is engagement—engaging in positive relationships. 

The third part is sustaining those relationships. 

Social resilience, in my experience, involves taking the other three—physical, emotional, and mental resilience—and bringing other people into the picture. It’s about practising all the skills we’ve discussed this month in your interactions with others and enjoying being part of the human race, along with the human-to-human connections available to you. 

Well, that’s it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue our conversation on the 9 Crucial Shifts for leaders, focusing on how to build great relationships. I'll see you then. 

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find that the people around you test your resilience? People can be amazing, yet sometimes they can be a little stressful, depending on how you interact with them. So, stick with me, because this week I want to finish our conversation on resilience by helping you approach things differently. 

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, leadership and sustainable performance coach, and today I want to continue our conversation on resilience where we look at how you can go from feeling constantly stressed to becoming strong in a healthy way, by developing your social resilience. 

Over the last few weeks, we’ve talked about four types of resilience.  

We began with physical resilience, which is about keeping your body in the condition it needs to thrive and survive in whatever you're doing, and to sustain that over a long period. 

We then talked about emotional resilience, which is about navigating your emotions in a way that allows you to have the energy to be who you need to be in every area of your life.  

Last week, we touched on mental resilience, which involves staying mentally strong—but doing so in a healthy way, not just pushing through and only having mental toughness as being the only way to do things. 

Today, I want to talk about social resilience.  

Now, if you Google “social resilience,” you'll find various definitions. One of these takes a macro view, focusing on how communities develop social resistance, and even how the world operates on this level. That’s great, but today I want to focus on your individual social resilience. 

What is social resilience?  

It’s your capacity not only to foster and engage in positive relationships, but also to sustain them, to endure, and to recover from life’s stresses, including social isolation. 

I know that, for a long time in my life, I isolated myself from others. I thought it was the only way to handle things. If I was alone, I wouldn't have to pretend or do things for others' approval. These were unhealthy parts of my internal wiring, but in reality, isolation only made things worse. I believe—no, I know—that my emotional breakdown was caused by social isolation. 

So, what I want to help you with today is learning how to be more socially resilient.  

The first part of that is fostering positive relationships. Fostering means doing whatever is within your power to ensure that your relationships are healthy. 

Now, just like everything we talk about, it’s important to remember that perfection is not the goal. You won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. Expecting perfection is unrealistic and can lead to more problems. What matters is being aware—developing a high level of emotional and social intelligence. This allows you to exercise empathy and understand how to interact with others more effectively. Remember, people are just like you—they have their own stories. 

Whenever you're interacting with others, both you and they are interpreting the situation in your own ways. So, when two or more people are dealing with their own internal dialogues, uncertainties, and identity issues, confusion and conflict can arise. By developing your social interaction skills, you will build your social resilience. 

The second key is engagement—engaging in positive relationships. This requires work and effort; it means proactively seeking out relationships for the right purpose. I use a simple decision-making model in every situation: For what purpose and at what cost? 

When engaging in relationships, ask yourself, "For what purpose do I want this relationship?" If the purpose is to feed something unhealthy in your psychology, then you need to rethink it. For example, if you seek a relationship to feel better about yourself and to gain someone's approval, then the cost might be enabling your need for approval. Instead, make sure you engage in relationships for the right purpose. 

Engaging in positive relationships also requires you to practice your emotional and mental resilience skills. You need to enter relationships with a positive mindset about yourself and positive expectations of the other person. Emotional intelligence helps you be aware of your own emotions, while social intelligence helps you understand what may be going on in the other person. 

Practising these skills and engaging in relationships in a positive way is going to build up your social resilience. You're going to be able to shift your thinking and your mindset around what relationships are. When you look at relationships as something based on your previous experiences and consider them something you have to endure, it creates problems for you. If you have expectations like, "Well, I know they're going to let me down anyway," then that's not going to provide you with the right thinking to build good relationships. 

The third part is sustaining those relationships. I used to run away when things looked bad because I didn't know what to do next, and I didn’t want to feel how I was feeling. But when you accept that relationships will never be perfect and approach them with that understanding, it becomes easier to sustain them. 

Relationships will have conflict. They will have disagreements. We’ve already discussed why this happens. But by continually working and practising your interpersonal skills, communication, conflict navigation, trust-building, and all those other key social intelligence competencies, you’ll sustain more positive relationships. Looking at having a relationship that is mutually beneficial, which is three-way — it’s good for you, them, and the greater good, which will help you sustain positive relationships.

Social resilience, in my experience, involves taking the other three—physical, emotional, and mental resilience—and bringing other people into the picture. It’s about practising all the skills we’ve discussed this month in your interactions with others and enjoying being part of the human race, along with the human-to-human connections available to you. 

Resilience is an important topic and we began discussing it earlier this month, recognising that it's not about toughening up, pushing through, eating concrete, or getting harder with hustling and grinding. No, it's about being open and vulnerable, asking for help when needed, and navigating what you're going through in a more positive and healthy way.  

Well, that’s it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue our conversation on the 9 Crucial Shifts for leaders, focusing on how to build great relationships. I'll see you then.