Leaders Playing Well with Others

SUMMARY

Over the years, I built up relationships and broke them down as quickly as I'd made them.

The reason I did this (as I said) is that I wasn't feeling good about myself. So, the relationship that I had with myself was permeating out over all the other relationships that I had.

This week, I want to give you some useful information that you can implement immediately to help you overcome this just like I did by helping you to play well with others.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find that your relationships in your workplace are full of conflict and strife? You don't seem to get on with people like you would like to, and you see others that just happily get along on their merry way without all the fuss?

I certainly know that from my corporate career.

So stick with me because this week, I want to give you some useful information that you can implement immediately to help you overcome this.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, VUCA Leadership and Sustainable Performance Coach, and today, I want to continue our conversation around the competencies of relationship management by helping you to play well with others.

Throughout my military and corporate career, I found it challenging to get on with people.

In my corporate career, I got on really well with people external from our organisation, but the people inside didn't like me at all, and the relationships I had were fractured most of the time.

The reason for that was it stemmed from my low self-worth— that lack of personal power that we dealt with before right back in the self-awareness quadrant.

That's why it's so important to make sure that before we get down here to this relationship management quadrant in social intelligence, we need to build that platform first.

For me, I saw people as a threat. I saw people who were showing some signs of being able to do what I could do, as people who could possibly take my job or the one above me, and I didn't know how to play well with others on my team. I was very much a lone wolf who was really great technically and did heaps of work to bring in business for any organisation that I worked with. But the friction and the conflict that I left as a trail behind me was not looked upon favourably by those I worked for.

Over the years, I built up relationships and broke them down as quickly as I'd made them.

The reason I did this (as I said) is that I wasn't feeling good about myself. So, the relationship that I had with myself was permeating out over all the other relationships that I had.

As I have said so many times:

“It's not what happens in life; it's what you make it mean.” And in particular, what you make it mean about you.

So, in those interactions that you're having with people, you are filtering that through your own belief system, your own uncertainties and self-doubt.

Misunderstanding what other people are actually feeling, thinking or saying about you is a major cause of all this conflict.

The competency that we want to deal with here is interpersonal effectiveness. This is being able to be effective in working with others to become who you need to become so that people can actually work around you.

Emotions are something that we all have. When we react out of emotion rather than navigating it and having a healthy response ( the fact that people are different and there's more than just one person with a belief structure involved), no wonder there's all this challenge and conflict going on.

What I've learned to do is to just do what I can to be the best version of me, and therefore, that's going to influence, as much as it can, the other person to reciprocate, and then, perhaps we can get through whatever it is that we're working on totally unscathed.

Just like with every other thing we've talked about, it's never going to be perfect. You're not going to get on with everyone in the world, and that's okay. You're not even going to be able to get on with people every day. Sometimes, there can be misunderstandings and conflict.

That's why when we get further into these relationship management skills, I will empower you with other skills so you can navigate those situations.

But what do you do so that you can play well with others?

I like to use the term “playing well with others” because I think of it as a couple of young toddlers playing with some toys, and everything's going all right for a while. Then, all of a sudden, somebody takes someone else's toy out of the toy box, and it's on for young and old.

And that's what happens with adults.

You see, when we feel like something's been taken from us, we react, we put up those defences, and we come across to the other person as confrontational. So playing well with others takes a shift in mindset and some basic skills that I believe are just about being a good human.

Being gentle with people.

Looking to understand.

Practicing empathy.

These are key things that I've learned to do so that I can get on with others and influence their behaviour as well.

Making sure that I am actively listening — listening for what's said as well as what's not being said.

Looking for clues in the body language.

I look at my own body language and make sure that I'm putting across what I want to put across, not just with what's coming out of my mouth but in the way that my body is moving.

Giving genuine eye contact.

Showing care and understanding.

Making sure that people read that I'm fully present when I'm with them.

These are all things that will build up that level of trust that's needed to have a good relationship.

Just like in marketing and sales, people need to know you, like you, and trust you before they buy into anything that you say or do.

That's why I like to look at it as just being able to bring in some good old school values (as I like to call them) of allowing people to be different — to have different opinions and ideas and to treat them as if I'm treating myself that way.

Unfortunately, people just want to be treated in a certain way, and sometimes, you may think that the best way to do that is for you to treat them the way that you want to be treated. However, the challenge with that is when you haven't done enough work on building up your personal power; you subconsciously want to treat yourself badly because you don't believe that you're worthy of being treated well.

You need to massage that belief a little bit and that old-school thinking around “just treat other people like you want to be treated” and make sure that you’re actually treating them the way they want to be treated.

Another thing that I like to do is to check in on relationships and not assume that everything's going okay. Because just like I don't give everything of “me" every day of the week, so do other people do the same back to me.

When I sense that something could be going the wrong way, I ask:

“Hey, is everything okay with you right at the moment?"

or

“How are things going for you?”

Doing these check-ins not only solves the problem but also adds to that layer of trust where it says:

“I care about our relationship, and more importantly, I care about you.”

So that genuine concern, rather than that manipulative and pretentious “I care so that I get what I want”, is really going to help you to build better relationships.

Leaders need people, and those people come in the form of relationships.

We're not lone wolves who just get things done by ourselves. We need to make sure that people want to come along on the journey with us.

Having these interpersonal relationship skills is vital if you want to thrive and survive as a leader in this VUCA world that we're living in right now.

What I want to challenge you to do this week is to check in on the relationships that you have — whether they be at home, in your workplace, or in your community, and ask yourself:

“Where could I do things a little bit differently?”

“Are there any relationships that I feel are not getting the best of me?”

Now, you'll notice in everything that I'm saying here I'm talking about taking responsibility.

Yes, I am. This is because people are people.

The other side of the equation is the other people in the relationship. However, it’s not up to you and me to change them.

But it’s up to YOU to be the BEST version of YOU you can be and influence them in that way so that they may do the same thing themselves.

Well, interpersonal relationships, how are you doing with that?

Do you play well with others?

I really hope that this is something that's at least got your thoughts going this week. This is because, during my military and corporate career, things went up and down like a rollercoaster due to those damaged and fractured relationships.

It's not something that I'm perfect at and ever will be, and neither will you. But all I try to do every day is just take another step towards doing things differently than I was doing before and, therefore, get a different result.

Well, that's it from me for another week.

Join me again next week as we continue this conversation around the quadrant of relationship management, which is all to do with social intelligence, and we go deeper into another competency.

We've got two done.

We've got eight to go, and I look forward to continuing the conversation.

I'll see you then.