Leveraging Conflict to Strengthen Relationships
SUMMARY
Do you sometimes feel like a referee in your role as a leader, making you feel like running away and hiding because people are constantly disagreeing with each other or in conflict with you? This is very common among the leaders I work with, and it was certainly something I also struggled with. So, stick with me because this week I want to empower you with a different way of thinking and performing so that you can take all that away.
Hi, this is Grant Herbert, leadership and sustainable performance coach, and today I want to conclude our conversation this month around relationships by helping you leverage conflict to strengthen your team.
Conflict is inevitable. It will happen whenever there are humans working with humans.
There are several approaches to handling conflict. You can avoid it, you can accommodate others by raising the white flag, you can become aggressive and competitive, or you can choose to collaborate. Collaboration might mean finding a middle ground where both parties contribute to the resolution. The goal is to create a solution that is beneficial for everyone—for you, for the other person, and for the overall team and organisation.
In each conflict resolution conversation, whether you are leading it or simply participating, I recommend using five simple steps to ensure you navigate it healthily. I want to share these steps with you at a high level so you can adapt them to your context.
The first step is to set the scene.
The second step is to gather data.
The third step is to agree on the problem.
The fourth step is to brainstorm possible solutions.
Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we shift from this conversation around relationships into the ninth area, which is results. I'll see you then.
TRANSCRIPT
Do you sometimes feel like a referee in your role as a leader, making you feel like running away and hiding because people are constantly disagreeing with each other or in conflict with you? This is very common among the leaders I work with, and it was certainly something I also struggled with. So, stick with me because this week I want to empower you with a different way of thinking and performing so that you can take all that away.
Hi, this is Grant Herbert, leadership and sustainable performance coach, and today I want to conclude our conversation this month around relationships by helping you leverage conflict to strengthen your team.
Conflict is inevitable. It will happen whenever there are humans working with humans.
Back at the start of this journey of the 9 Crucial Shifts, we talked about identity and the beliefs people hold, the problems they face because of those beliefs, and the uncertainties stemming from the three universal fears: not being enough, not belonging, and not being loved. All these factors contribute to behaviours that cause conflict. So, instead of viewing conflict as something negative to avoid at all costs, I encourage you to consider it from a different perspective. Conflict is a healthy part of every team’s growth.
Conflict itself is not the problem; how you and your team navigate can create issues.
Many leaders avoid conflict because they think of it as something negative. That’s one of the five key styles of conflict resolution—avoidance. However, I’m sure you’ve noticed that simply putting your head down, hoping the conflict will disappear, does not work. You look up, and it’s still there—often even more intense because it has festered and boiled over. So, as a leader, avoiding conflict will not get you the results you seek.
So, what can you do instead? The first thing is to have a conversation with your team and let them know, as I am telling you now, that conflict is a good thing. But why is conflict beneficial? It allows people to work through issues together, strengthening their bonds, fostering trust, and making the team more cohesive. Equipping your team with the skills to navigate conflict in a healthy way and then allowing conflicts to happen will help you build a stronger team.
Now, I am not suggesting that you should manufacture conflict daily to strengthen your team. Rather, instead of shielding them from conflict or always stepping in to resolve it as the leader, it’s often better to let them handle it themselves. Intervening as the referee is not always necessary; in fact, it can sometimes hinder team growth.
Recognising that people can have differing opinions about things—and that’s okay—is the first step in viewing conflict positively. I often tell people, “It’s okay if you and I disagree; it doesn’t make either of us wrong.” This mindset helps because we each believe that our perspective is correct.
A great book I read years ago, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, says in Chapter 10, "A man or woman convinced against their will is of the same opinion still." Recognising that people can have differing opinions for their own reasons is okay. It doesn’t mean there must be a winner and a loser, a right and a wrong. The key is to work together, using communication skills—especially active and reflective listening—to understand why there is a difference in views.
Currently, we see many global issues where differing views are creating significant conflict. Sadly, holding onto one's own viewpoint without considering others ’ perspectives is a primary cause of escalated conflicts. Being able to work through these conflicts by focusing on behaviours and outcomes rather than viewing people as the problem will foster healthier conflict resolution. As the leader of your team, you may not always have the final say, but you have the responsibility to ensure that any resolution that is reached benefits the team.
Encouraging team members to resolve their differences and express their points of view enhances their communication skills. It builds their confidence, helps them feel valued, and creates a culture of openness and vulnerability. It's not just about resolving the conflict; it has the added benefit of developing a team that works well together. Collaboration, communication, change, and conflict—the four pillars I often discuss—are all interconnected. Conflict involves communication, requires collaboration to find solutions, and often calls for change. You can see how these elements work together.
There are several approaches to handling conflict. You can avoid it, you can accommodate others by raising the white flag, you can become aggressive and competitive, or you can choose to collaborate. Collaboration might mean finding a middle ground where both parties contribute to the resolution. The goal is to create a solution that is beneficial for everyone—for you, for the other person, and for the overall team and organisation.
In each conflict resolution conversation, whether you are leading it or simply participating, I recommend using five simple steps to ensure you navigate it healthily. I want to share these steps with you at a high level so you can adapt them to your context.
The first step is to set the scene.
As the leader—or as you guide others in handling conflict—you establish how team members should conduct themselves during conflict resolution. This involves creating guidelines around communication, such as focusing on the issue and behaviour rather than on individuals and ensuring that everyone has the opportunity to speak without interruption.
Simple practices such as maintaining a calm tone, avoiding raised voices, and taking breaks if emotions escalate help to create a respectful environment where everyone feels heard. Set these standards from the beginning, and make it clear that these are the guidelines the team will follow to navigate conflict constructively.
The second step is to gather data.
Here, you want to take a “helicopter view” of the conflict, focusing on the data and get it together. The reason I emphasise data is that it provides a logical foundation, helping to avoid emotional reactions or the influence of personal biases.
At this stage, you ’re simply looking at what is happening—the core issues or problems at hand—without trying to interpret or respond. Collect the information objectively to create a solid base for addressing the conflict.
The third step is to agree on the problem.
Often, when there's conflict, individuals have different understandings of what the problem actually is. This step is about reaching an agreement. Using the data collected and the guidelines established while setting the scene, you now discuss and examine the issue to determine the real problem.
Each individual may perceive the situation differently, based on their own perspective or agenda. By identifying the common problem, you create a shared focus for everyone to work on together. The powerful benefit of this step is that it fosters agreement, which is the antidote to escalating conflict. Step by step, you bring people onto the same page. You've agreed on how to behave, agreed on the relevant data, and now you've agreed on the core issue.
The fourth step is to brainstorm possible solutions.
Consider how you can move from the current problem toward a resolution. Once everyone has contributed their ideas on possible actions, it’s time to decide on a solution together. Reach an agreement on the next step, ensuring everyone is aligned with the chosen path forward.
These four steps, combined with an understanding that conflict is healthy, will enable you as a leader and your team members to navigate conflict in a constructive way. Healthy conflict builds strong teams by fostering trust and allowing people to face challenges together, coming out stronger on the other side.
I challenge you as a leader to change the way you view conflict and to guide your team in navigating it effectively.
Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we shift from this conversation around relationships into the ninth area, which is results. I'll see you then.
