Remove the Conflict from Your Conversations

SUMMARY

Do you find that people look at you as if they are saying, “Well, I can see your lips are moving, but I really don't understand what you're on about?"

Well, stick with me because, in this week's episode, I want to continue our conversation around relationships by helping you remove the conflict from your conversations.

I see many problems when I work in particular workplaces around communication. There's a lot of conflict, misunderstanding, and the challenges and lack of results stems from the lack of communication.

That frustration of not being heard and not understanding creates a lot of friction. But it's okay. It doesn't have to be that way. When you develop effective communication competencies, you get a totally different result.

Instead of one-way conversations, you get two-way communication where it's mutually beneficial. You get clarity and certainty because people understand and feel what's coming from the other person.

What I want to do now is just lay a foundation around five key principles that you need to understand to have this thing called effective communication.

Number one: Read Their Code.

Number two:  Speak Their Language.

Number three: Choose Their Channel.

Number four: Eliminate The Noise.

Number five: Check-In for Feedback.

By customising your communication, you will get a far better result for you and them and the greater good, depending on who you're speaking to. So, make sure that you take these tips that I've given you - these five key principles - and just implement them one at a time and see how it gives you a better result than what you might be getting right now.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue this conversation around communication, where I help you be heard by speaking less. I'll see you then.

TRANSCRIPT

Do you find that people look at you as if they are saying, “Well, I can see your lips are moving, but I really don't understand what you're on about?"

Well, stick with me because, in this week's episode, I want to continue our conversation around relationships by helping you remove the conflict from your conversations.

Hi, this is Grant Herbert, Emotional Intelligence Speaker and Trainer of The Year, and Master Coach Trainer. Today, I want to continue our conversation in the fourth quadrant of Social and Emotional Intelligence by going deeper into the Relationship Management competency of Communication.

Last week, I laid a foundation around why communication is so important. What I want to do now is step you through some key challenges and solutions that I've discovered and worked with many people over the years to help them get more out of their communication.

I see many problems when I work in particular workplaces around communication. There's a lot of conflict, misunderstanding, and the challenges and lack of results stems from the lack of communication.

There are many one-way conversations where the focus is only on being heard and not hearing others. Messages are lost in translation because it's like they're reading hieroglyphics on the wall in an Egyptian tomb, and they don't understand that language at all.

That frustration of not being heard and not understanding creates a lot of friction. But it's okay. It doesn't have to be that way. When you develop effective communication competencies, you get a totally different result.

Instead of one-way conversations, you get two-way communication where it's mutually beneficial. You get clarity and certainty because people understand and feel what's coming from the other person.

 When speaking in a way that you're not just trying to be heard, you end up with peace, harmony, unity, more productivity, and greater results. To get these results, you need to have communication style awareness, which is being able to work out what style of communication you prefer and understand others. When you learn to do this, your conversations become more collaborative and mutually beneficial. Everyone can understand what's going on, and all that time and energy that's wasted with misunderstanding can be channeled into getting more results.

What I want to do now is just lay a foundation around five key principles that you need to understand to have this thing called effective communication.

Number one is to Read Their Code.

Communication in itself is a two-way exchange where you have a sender, and you have a receiver. Unfortunately, you see and hear things differently because you have your internal wiring (your filters from experiences you’ve had over your life). So, when you send a message to someone, no matter what medium you’re used to, you encode that based on the lens you're looking through. You send that message out, and then it's decided by the receiver -the person at the other end. Unfortunately, if you are speaking one sort of code and don't understand that code, then this is where you miss out on understanding.

It's like me trying to understand how these amazing computer programmers can write code to get a computer to do something. I wouldn't have a clue. I would need to understand that code if I could communicate effectively with those people.

So, the first thing you need to do is understand the different codes that communication is written in. You need to understand the communication style preferences of other people.

For example, I love to ask people a question:

“Are you someone who likes to hear the words and read the text, or would you rather, I painted you a picture?”

Just this one power question alone allows me to tap into the style of communication they need so that they can understand.

So you need to work out how to read their code.

Number two, then, is to Speak Their Language.

I like to travel a lot, and I've had the privilege of going around the world in many different countries. And nowadays, even more so online. The challenge is speaking the language of every country that I'm working in. Therefore (it’s pretty well impossible), I need to have (in some cases) some translation. I need to find out what particular words mean. One of my greatest friends at the moment is Google Translate. So, when somebody sends me something, I can understand it.

What I'm talking about here goes further than that. It's speaking in a way that the other person can understand.

Some people are visual.

Some people are more auditory.

Therefore, you need to be able to speak in their language. You need to speak in their style and use the correct language palette.

Often, you use words and jargon that you understand, but the other person does not understand it. To do this, you need to take the focus off what you want, and you need to be able to put the focus on what they need, and therefore get a greater understanding.

Over the coming weeks, I will give you some more tips and some education around how you can do that.

Number three is to Choose Their Channel.

Channels of communication are misused all the time. What I'm talking about here is how you send the message. So, as I said, you encode what you want to go out, and then send it.

Now that can be done by speaking, that can be done by writing in an email, in a text, in a comment on social media, whatever it is.

However, suppose you overuse particular media when you’re talking to certain people and communicating with certain groups. In that case, if it's not the media style that they need to take the information on and understand, you’re going to have this breakdown in communication.

What I like to do is ask.

One of the greatest keys to communication is what I just said then:

“When you don't understand, you ask.”

By asking that breaks down that first barrier of communication which self-centeredness.

When you ask people what they need, they can see that you care about them too.

So, be mindful of overusing particular media.

Some people like to have you speak with them.

Some people liked you to get on a Zoom call with them.

Others are okay on the phone.

Some people don't mind a text or an email.

I'd rather you send me a text than an email because I know it will be short and sharp, and I can make a decision based on that, and I can respond. So that's me. However, I've got to make sure that I understand the other person, not just use the style that I need.

Number four is to Eliminate The Noise.

In that communication process that I explained before, yes, there's a sender, receiver, and a medium that you use to get the message across, and you’ve got decoding and encoding.

What you’ve also got in the middle of that is a lot of noise. The noise of distraction - the noise of media, what's going on around them, the experiences in their own life, their own filtering - all of that is noise.

So, what you’ve got to be able to do is create an environment for communication where you are fully present, where you’ve got the attention of the other person or persons, and you eliminate those distractions.

I don't know if you've ever spoken to anyone like I used to be where I would be multitasking while we were having a conversation, I'd be doing things, I’d be looking at my watch and whatever I was doing. It was appearing as if I wasn't interested in what the other person was talking about when in fact, I was.

But that was the style that I operated in.

The problem is that doubt as to whether or not you value me listening, whether or not I'm listening to you or involved in the conversation and being present, is a part of the noise.

To eliminate the noise as much as possible from your environment and make sure that you’re communicating in the best possible way to eliminate the noise for others as well.

Number five is Check-In for Feedback.

One of the biggest challenges in communication is the assumption that it's taken place.

Communication is a mutual, two-way conversation. It's not one way.

You need to check-in at regular intervals to make sure that you understand what you’re hearing and what you feel is happening in that situation.

You need to also leave space for the other person to do that.

I love to use words like:

“What I hear here is this… Is that right?”

So, I'm allowing them to remove any misunderstanding before we go further.

They might come back and go:

“Yeah, that's exactly right.”

What that does is it lets them know that I'm listening and that I'm understanding.

Most importantly, what it does is it allows them to go:

“Oh no, hang on. No, that's not what I'm saying at all.”

Doing so removes that friction that happens a lot of time through misunderstanding.

By customising your communication, you will get a far better result for you and them and the greater good, depending on who you're speaking to. So, make sure that you take these tips that I've given you - these five key principles - and just implement them one at a time and see how it gives you a better result than what you might be getting right now.

Well, that's it from me for another week. Join me again next week as we continue this conversation around communication, where I help you be heard by speaking less. I'll see you then.